I Didn't Know I'd Broken the Cycle Until I Went on Vacation

For decades, holidays were fraught with food frenzies, eating as much of the foods I believed I couldn’t eat or shouldn’t eat while on a restrictive diet. My relationship with food and my body was disordered – I was either on the diet rollercoaster, or I was off it completely. The diet cycle set me up for emotional eating and overeating followed by bouts of shame and disappointment at not being able to lose weight or keep it off.

I recently navigated a three-week vacation completely differently for the first time in my 68 years. Never had I gone away with realistic expectations around food and weight. Never had I been able to relax and fully enjoy myself, knowing that the behaviors and habits I'd worked hard to embed over the last two years were there to support me.

Having a weight loss coach to help me prepare for a different experience proved to be invaluable. Although I didn’t realize it, I began preparing for my trip as early as the beginning of this year. My weight loss coach pointed out to me that I was sabotaging my efforts to stay consistent with calories and tracking. She noted that I was flying along consistently for weeks and then suddenly stopped, consistency falling by the wayside.

I knew something was derailing me but until she pointed the pattern out to me, I couldn’t see it. That was the value of having someone in your corner who can encourage you to be self-compassionate and yet invite you to push past discomfort to unravel the old patterns that no longer serve you.

I realized I'd fallen back into an old diet trap that kept the diet cycle alive and well. It was about perfection. Being “good” meant sticking to the diet perfectly, and yet I found it impossible to maintain that level of consistency when I was hungry, emotional and craving to eat. It meant falling off the diet, overeating and bingeing, until I couldn’t stand it any longer – and the cycle would continue.

As I took a step back to pause and reflect, I felt such relief – I could finally let this pattern go. The evidence I’d created over 2 years showed me that although I was in a calorie deficit, it was one that I could eat comfortably within and fuel my body adequately. I wasn’t starving. I had flexibility and therefore perfection was unnecessary. I didn’t need to view this process, or myself, as “good” when I was consistent with my diet, or “bad” when I ate more calories here and there.

After decades of practicing self-sabotage, it took me a couple of months to think and act differently. By the time I left for vacation in August, I had enough evidence to prove to myself that I could do without perfection in my weight loss journey. I began to feel confident that if the old pattern resurfaced, I’d recognize it and dismiss it easily.

It was the first time I went on vacation only slightly concerned I might put some weight on. I went away giving myself permission to eat what I wanted, to track when I wanted but not worry if I didn’t.

I enjoyed English scones, clotted cream and strawberry jam; drinks in the pub and wine at dinner on occasion. I didn’t worry about eating less protein and more carbohydrates.  I got as many steps in as I could each day, reminding myself that “something, not nothing” still applied while on vacation.

I’m grateful to have stressed less while away. My focus switched from worrying about gaining weight to enjoying my family. That's not to say I never thought about weight gain - I did, on occasion. But I found myself relying on the knowledge that if I put weight on, I knew how to take it off with more ease and balance than ever before. It wasn’t something to worry about.

I arrived home prepared for the scale to be up a bit – it seemed reasonable that it might be. When I stepped on it the day after returning, I found the number lower than when I left. It was the first time I’d lost weight while on vacation. Could it have been the result of a relaxed mindset?

What shifted wasn't just my mindset - it was my relationship to the number on the scale, and to the idea that food could be "good" or "bad" at all. I stopped needing the diet to be perfect to trust that it was working. What I do know is that it pays to address the old, outdated beliefs, relationship with self, habits, and patterns that have kept us stuck – that's where freedom lies.

Thanks for reading.

Joan