When Old Diet Stories Resurface: Recognizing Self-Sabotage with Compassion
This post was written for my writing group this week - I thought I’d share it here.
I was sure that by now, nearly 1.5 years into my weight loss and health improvement journey, I’d be motoring along with ease. I really thought I’d have finally resolved all the old, outdated patterns, decades old and no longer of use to me.
Diet culture sure made an impact on me, and not a great one. I began dieting at the ripe old age of 10 – it was the Special K diet that I remember beginning because of the promise that a bowl a day of this crackly, fluffy, cereal with skim milk, would melt the pounds away.
Food and body issues didn’t begin then. It was long before as a child that I realized I wasn’t like the other kids with their slim silhouettes. I was the chubby one, always hiding my tummy, never seen in a bathing suit except when swimming lessons at JC Beach was thrust upon me because it was a good thing to learn to swim. Normally I was the child on the beach, fully dressed in shorts and a shirt, hating the heat and hating that my body wasn’t like the others’ frolicking in the warm summer water.
Every diet I embarked on after the cereal diet – everything from the Scarsdale Diet, the grapefruit diet, fasting, and WW – was a disaster waiting to happen.
Years of believing that restriction was the only way to lose weight placed me on a roller coaster I couldn’t live with and couldn’t live without.
Dieting meant I was all in – I lived on a stark 900 - 1200 calories a day, no chocolate or treats included. It meant convincing myself I wasn’t hungry and that it was worth the frantic, empty feeling in my belly because I’d finally see the number on the scale reflect who I really was inside this rounded body – a slim, attractive child and woman whose problems disappeared with her weight.
Well, how disappointed and angry was I each and every time I fell headlong off the diet rollercoaster, relieved for a moment until the realization and sick feeling in my belly reminded me I’d fallen into an endless vat filled with chocolate bars, salted pretzels, cookies, crackers and peanut butter…and the list went on.
There were two issues I didn’t know about then. One was that constant restriction, and too few calories doesn’t fuel one’s body adequately and it soon becomes impossible not to eat more. The result is a vicious cycle of under-eating followed by overeating, usually on all forbidden and restricted foods.
I’ve never known any dieter overeating broccoli or cauliflower, have you?
The second issue was that I learned to self-sabotage because of this endless on/off, undereating/overeating roller coaster. I never thought of it as a blessing but instead spent decades wondering what was wrong with me, always feeling like such a failure for losing and gaining weight, for never quite reaching my goal weight, and not being strong enough (I thought) to stick to the plan.
I’m grateful for the changes I’ve made as I’ve peeled away the layers of indoctrination I lived by for decades. Since August 2024, I’ve eaten more calories daily than I thought possible on a diet; fueled my body with mostly nutrient dense foods while enjoying two or three squares of Lindt dark chocolate every day; I’ve given up using food to soothe and calm my nervous system – no more roller coaster to ride on.
I’ve moved this body more than I could have imagined and strengthened muscles I didn’t know I had.
Throughout this time my coach has gently but firmly challenged me to think differently about weight and weight loss.
When I told her I thought this process wasn’t working because my weight loss was slow, she said “Slow in comparison to what or who?”
When I’ve faltered in any way, she’s encouraged me to go back to my “Why” – “why are you wanting to lose weight? Why is it important?”
And just recently she wondered if I was aware of a pattern she noticed as she was reviewing the last few months. Her words immediately rang true as she described the weeks I was consistent with daily habits - until I wasn’t.
I couldn’t help but see it and recognize it – self-sabotage was still alive and well, a pattern left-over but hidden beneath the surface after decades of practice.
It wasn’t about perfection but about an old behaviour rising to the surface without awareness to interrupt my progress. This behaviour’s intent might have been honourable before, a way to save me from constant restriction, but today it’s just disruptive and unnecessary and doesn’t fit who I’m becoming in midlife.
So, the way forward is in motion as I give thanks and quiet the part of me that tried to keep me safe, away from starvation and a full-blown eating disorder.
Another layer uncovered and challenged; another time and place, as Mary Pipher suggests, to “…recognize old patterns, reassess long-held stories, and let go of roles that no longer fit.”
I’d love to know: What old pattern in your life no longer fits who you are becoming now in midlife or beyond?
If this personal story resonates, you’re warmly invited to continue the conversation with me inside The WISER Woman’s Guide, my newsletter for women navigating midlife change with wisdom, self-compassion, and curiosity.
And if you’d like to explore these patterns more deeply my Tap and Write sessions offer a grounded space to calm the nervous system, uncover what’s really underneath, and write your way forward.
Won’t you join me?
