The Many Layers of Belonging
The theme for this week’s writing class (https://www.agelesspossibilities.org/workshops) was Belonging. I can’t tell you how challenging it was to write about it, not because the need to belong hasn’t been a powerful one for me, but because I didn’t know where to start.
More than once I began to write and erased it, not finding the words or the right beginning. I wondered if I’d be able to find the words but, as often happens, they appeared at night, just before bed.
So, here’s where I began:
As I struggled to write about belonging this week, images of my past flashed before me – images from when I was young and didn’t understand the intricacies of relationships but knew when I felt betrayed by someone’s words or actions, knew that it wasn’t always enough to know I could find home within.
I watched moments flash before me when people I felt a strong connection with enacted their agendas and wrapped their strings around me, without me realizing it at the time.
I felt longing once again and the challenge of wanting to feel I belonged but knew I was somehow different from the “cool” kids, not thought of as someone to date, but to be held at arm’s length; liked but not the kind to belong with.
And then there were those moments of regret about my actions and the fear I felt that made me eat my way through life, wondering if I’d ever find that one person or those friends who I could trust would allow me to belong, just as I was.
With memories and images before me these are the words that came to mind:
My journey to belonging has led me down paths of friendship, love and connection only to find betrayal and hurt
Cruel comments made by friends, said willy nilly behind my back thinking I hadn’t heard,
Shattering my trust, leaving me fractured, unsure about friendship and love.
I’ve longed for belonging.
Sometimes tying myself into knots, contorting my body and mind until I felt like a giant pretzel, desperate to fit in, to be loved,
Wishing I could wave a magic wand to be smaller, smarter, more beautiful.
Someone you needed me to be.
I’ve searched for belonging.
Looking high and low for it, finding glimmers of what I thought it was,
Enticed by the sparkle and fire that swept me away, believing it was me you belonged to.
And, I’ve given up on belonging.
Fumbling along a path filled with dense brush and stinging nettles,
I wondered how I could get it so wrong this thing called belonging, this need that’s driven me to exhaustion and constant wondering -
What did I do wrong?
Why couldn’t you see – me?
Me at about 10 years old - a trip to France with my family.
Over the course of time, I found a partner, had my own family and found friends to belong with and they with me, an eclectic bunch of popular kids and misfits (ie. not part of the “cool” kids group). It took time and patience - with myself - to learn what belonging meant to me.
In moments of conflict and tension I may wobble just slightly but always return to the knowing that these are the people who choose to be here, with me, who trust that together we’ll forge ahead without hidden agendas or ideas of entrapment or unreasonable demands that breed mistrust and self-harm.
As I watched my memories and moments float past me, I realized that this need to belong is layered and sometimes fleeting with those who are there and then gone, who serve a momentary purpose, who aren’t meant to be “my people” to belong with for the duration.
And that’s Ok.
Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post and would like to explore what the need to Belong means for you, join The WISER Woman’s Guide, where each week I create specially curated writing prompts for you to explore. It is delivered directly in your inbox! Sign up HERE!
Joan
Whenever you are ready, there are three ways I can support you:
1. Empowerment Coaching 1-1 with Joan
Join me for 1-1 coaching designed to meet you where you’re at in your personal journey to resolving anxiety & stress, updating old beliefs no longer serving you, taking action to move forward, learning who you are as relationships change, navigating change and finding meaning in the messy middle, and more.
2. Tap and Write Circles Designed for Women
As an EFT tapping practitioner and therapeutic/reflective writing guide, I offer specially crafted writing circles that help you transform your stories, invite exploration into your inner world, events, challenges, beliefs and feelings, change perspectives and look at things differently. Won’t you join me?
3. Tap, Write and Transform: The W.I.S.E.R. Woman’s Journey
Coming in 2025! A 6 week Tap and Write journey designed for women who are navigating through mid-life and beyond and seeking meaningful change, clarity, calm and confidence as they explore, expand, and strengthen their inner wisdom, intuition, self-compassion, energy and self-responsibility. Get on the waitlist!
