Solitude vs. Loneliness: What Midlife Is Really Teaching Me About Being Alone

There are moments when I’m in complete alignment with solitude; and others when it’s too much, when the quiet surrounding me feels too empty, devoid of the chatter and laughter from grown men and little voices that fill my soul with joy.

And then, there’s a moment in the noise and the space filled with big bodies and large personalities, that I look forward to the quiet, the stillness, the peace. “What stopped?” is a well-worn response to the door closing after the last child has slipped on his shoes, kissed my cheek, and sauntered his way down the front steps to his car. 

When Craved Solitude Doesn’t Feel the Way We Hoped 

Sometimes anticipated moments of solitude with plans to stop, breathe, listen and hear myself think, aren’t what I thought they’d be. How disappointing to have set aside the time and cleared the calendar to find oneself wishing for something else, kicking oneself for leaving it too late to reach out and connect, sure there’d be no one free.

Solitude. I want it, even crave it, and yet sometimes it feels like the blanket I wrap around myself on colder nights, grateful for the warmth and comfort until that moment when I’m throwing it off, suddenly too hot, needing an open window beside me to bring cool breezes and cold air into the space around me.

Am I Avoiding the Silence?

Moments of solitude, when they happen, feel like a reprieve from life’s busyness and yet I find myself pairing them with something – a book, some journaling, a walk – something that feels comforting and fulfilling. The question then becomes “am I really in solitude or am I avoiding it as I fill the space with activity?”.

How Solitude Became Entwined with Loneliness-A Brief History

The word “solitude” originates from the Latin “solitudo”, meaning loneliness or being alone. It was often associated with religion or the quest for spiritual enlightenment – a requirement for connection with God and self. It has also been thought of negatively at times in history- the pursuit of solitude was deemed uncivilized, an unwillingness to be part of the community.

Thank goodness for the Romantics in the 19th century who saw solitude as a doorway into creativity and understanding. As the world was changing, and with it the need for space, alone time to help withstand and thrive in an increasingly busy and crowed urban environment, solitude was something to value.

As the Industrial Revolution brought changes to how we live and work, solitude then became associated with loneliness, which has become an epidemic in our modern world. Many are isolated, alone, facing solitude, often not by choice or through no fault of their own. Sometimes we choose solitude and its companion loneliness by leaving relationships or cutting ties with those who are best left behind. 

Loneliness Isn’t Always About Being Alone

Reflecting on “solitude” and “loneliness”, I realize that moments of solitude might include elements of loneliness – but not always. My experience of loneliness hasn’t always meant I’m alone or in a quiet solitude space.

Have you ever been surrounded by people, even those who love you, and yet felt lonely?

Have you felt replenished by spending time in solitude, alone, in the quiet?

I could never understand my mom’s desire for a quiet house. Despite her deafness and struggle to hear clearly in a crowd, I’d arrive home from school to a stillness, a “quiet as a mouse” house – no radio, no T.V., just her presence. It never occurred to me to ask about solitude or loneliness or how she felt about both.

As I age and navigate my way through midlife, I have more of an appreciation for stillness and value my moments of solitude whether paired with an activity or not.

Midlife as a Training Ground for the Future

But here’s what I wonder: If this time in my life is preparing me for what is to come in old age, the inevitable knowing that friends and I will no longer jump on a zoom call, or walk along to the coffee shop, or give each other a call, or fly across the country to visit and drink wine late into the night (10pm at the latest).

Could it be that this pull toward wanting more moments of solitude as I move closer to old age is like a training ground, gradually preparing me for living alone?  Is it beckoning me to become comfortable in the silence, comfortable with my own company, comfortable in my own skin and body?  Is midlife the time to prepare, to learn to sit with and in solitude without a paired activity – just to be?

Who knows what the future holds and perhaps I don’t need to look too far ahead but instead focus on what is within my grasp now. Perhaps it’s more important to look at what I can do today, and maybe tomorrow, to cherish these moments – moments of connection and movement, solitude and stillness, loneliness and peace.

What Do Solitude and Loneliness Mean to You?

When you think of solitude and loneliness, what comes to mind? What feelings surface as you explore how solitude and loneliness factor into your current life and into the future?

Thanks for reading.

If exploring solitude and loneliness brings up questions, memories, or insights of your own, I invite you to take a moment with them. A simple Tap and Write practice—just a few rounds of tapping followed by writing in your journal—can help you meet whatever is rising with insight and compassion.

And if you’d like regular support, stories, and gentle guidance for navigating midlife with more wisdom, self-compassion, and clarity, I’d love for you to join me inside The WISER Woman’s Guide, my weekly newsletter. It’s where I share fresh Tap and Write prompts, seasonal reflections, and conversations that help us feel less alone on this path.

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