“On the Brink of Everything”

Photo by Elin Jonsson

It was our last class in “Women Rowing North - Writing My Life Stories” this week. I’ll miss writing each week to a theme - it gave me purpose and helped me explore my life at a deeper level. And, I’m grateful for the opportunity to have been introduced to authors I might not have found myself.

The final theme was called “On the Brink of Everything”, a perfect way to wrap up this series of writing classes, and a great way to introduce me to Parker Palmer’s writing and his book of the same name (link above).

As I thought about what to write and how to express my thoughts about being on the brink of everything, I read an excerpt of Palmer’s book that helped me begin to think about aging differently.

He wrote about “collaborating with aging” and mentioned that he has not grown old with grace. My mother used to tell me that we must age with grace and although I never stopped to ask her what that meant exactly, what comes to mind is an image of a Victorian woman whose body is hidden from top to bottom, who is reminded constantly to give up, give in, give over her power, to become demure, quiet, always a lady. 

Birmingham Museum’s Trust

Now, as I stand on the brink of everything, in collaboration with aging, knowing how life can be fleeting, I don’t want to age gracefully in this way.  

No, I want to swear when there are no other perfect words to use - people are often surprised when they first hear me use “bad” words and yet my favorite words, “oh shit”, have been in my vocabulary for decades, even while raising our children!

I want to drink wine with my friends and family with abandon - ok this is wishful thinking as gone are the days of when my body and mind would allow me to drink more than 2 glass of wine!

I want to sweat at the gym, flex my muscles and do at least one full pullup before I die - this also may be wishful thinking but as I’m collaborating with my body in the gym, I’d like to think it might one day happen; 

I want to be at a weight that’s comfortable and still eat a scone when I feel like it, not dictated to by someone else’s diet plan or prescribed number on the scale;

I want to spend time with my kids and grandchildren while I can and have dance parties with them (at least the baby!);

I want to work in my business until it no longer gives me joy and write until I can no longer put pen to paper or type on a keyboard;

I want to travel – alone and with others. It’s been a dream of mine to rent a cottage by the sea where I can walk and write and just BE;

I want to create memories with family so that when I finally fall off the brink of everything and reach my final destination, I’ll be thought of once and awhile with love and kindness, as a Phenomenal Woman, and maybe even be missed.

Firth of Clyde, drifting into the Atlantic Ocean

I also thought about being on the brink of everything as an opportunity to have a look at one’s life before falling off the brink, and so I wrote this piece “Standing on the Brink of Everything”:

Here I stand – on the brink of everything.

Watching my world from this place where I can see it all

Moving past me, swirling around,

Gliding along like a river that will one day reach its destination.   

Here I stand – on the brink of everything.

Images of when I was young, 

Stop for seconds, allowing me to remember what it was like to dream,

Believing that despite my fears, the future was long and filled with love and success. 

Here I stand – on the brink of everything.

Savouring the moments I forgot to rejoice in,

Too busy and rushed with children and family,

No time to reflect or get ready for what was next. 

Here I stand – on the brink of everything.

My children have grown, independent and strong

And life has moved on leaving me here as I age

To remember my past and the lives that I miss. 

Here I stand – on the brink of everything

Loving our grandchildren as I watch them grow up,

Cheering hard at their games, sharing stories and laughs,

Time zipping by much too fast. 

Here I stand – on the brink of everything

Collaborating with aging,

Navigating my way down the river

With ease and more peace,

Not yet ready to reach my destination.

No, Here I stand – on the brink of everything.

Thanks for reading!

If you’d like to explore this theme and others, won’t you join me in my weekly newsletter, The W.I.S.E.R. Woman’s Guide where you’ll be invited to write from prompts I carefully craft for you and you’ll be the first to know about upcoming Tap and Write Circles? 

Joan

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