From Rituals to Intuition: A Midlife Woman’s Spiritual Awakening

This post was written for the last writing class with Helen in Ageless Possibilities. 

My search for that deep inner wisdom and the Wiser Woman within has been going on since I can remember and of course has evolved over time.  The stories I write about in this post are the ones that stand out as I’ve reflected on my quest to find, define and connect with Spirit. It all began when I was a child. 

My Youthful Glimpse Into Faith

My neighbors, who I called Aunty Gracie and Uncle Richard, welcomed me into their home as if I was their 6th child.  I looked forward to lunch on Fridays - I had a place at their table for fish and chips, always delivered by Uncle Richard who came home for lunch, armed with enough fish and chips to feed a small army. 

It was a ritual that was rarely deviated from – as Catholics they abstained from eating meat on Fridays to recognize Christ’s sacrifice.  We said grace before digging in, each person taking turns to give thanks.  Since my family wasn’t religious and didn’t say grace at meals, my turn was always fraught with nervousness.  I did my best to “get it right” and not embarrass myself or somehow screw up this seemingly sacred and important part of their lives. 

I was fascinated by it all and when invited to attend Sunday Mass with them I jumped at the chance.  I loved the rituals, the pomp and ceremony that included making the sign of the cross as we entered, singing in a church with high ceilings and acoustics to die for, and stained-glass windows that, when the sun shone through, felt as though a Spirit or God was present.  I remember feeling drawn in and although I couldn’t articulate it, I felt the essence of faith within and around me that had been passed down from ancient times, from generation to generation.

I must have been about 8 years old when I decided to go to the Anglican Church and give Sunday school a try.  Disillusioned, it wasn’t long before I left the church, unhappy with both Sunday services and Sunday school.  There were rituals of course during the service, but I came away with the feeling that God wasn’t accurately represented there or that he somehow missed being present in this church. 

When Donations Felt Like Shame

It seemed odd to me that a donation plate was passed around but I dutifully added my donation to it.  I listened intently to the minister talk about how God wanted us to give generously – it seemed he was referring to donations as well as being good Samaritans.  I looked around the congregation to see a few neighbors who I knew weren’t as well-off as we were and wondered how it came to be that God expected us to pay for his grace and teachings. 

Shouldn’t it all be free?

(Photo by Mike Labrum @labrum777)

My parents smiled as I ranted about the injustice. But, despite the explanation that churches couldn’t manage without financial support, there was something about passing the plate around, everyone seeing whether you contributed or not, that felt wrong.  It was an invitation to feel shame and if I felt my quarter might not be enough, I was sure others might feel the same.   

Faith vs Religion

I wanted to keep the feeling I’d had while visiting the Catholic Church, but I grappled with so many aspects of religion.  I decided that attending Church and committing to a specific religion wasn’t for me but decided to hold space for the belief that there was something greater than me to believe in – I just hadn’t found it, yet.

Spiritual Awakenings

As a music student in my teens, I was invited to perform on stage at a concert my teacher organized.  I was extremely nervous as I went on stage, my hands shaking, my mind racing – I prayed that I’d remember the piece I’d practised so many times. 

I sat down on the bench, stumbled with the first few bars, stopped, took a breath and started again.  I don’t remember playing until the last few bars when I realized I was finished.  The audience sat still, quiet, and then burst into applause as I got up and took a bow.  It was a moment I will never forget – it was as if spirit took over my hands.  I played at my finest without even knowing it!

Into the Woo – Psychics, Auras and a Spiritual Church

My next foray was in my early twenties when I studied piano at the Victoria School of Music.  I don’t remember how it happened, but I met a woman who was psychic – she read auras and saw past lives and as I was lonely and searching for meaning, I was easily drawn into joining her at a “spiritualist church”.  People of all walks of life gathered on Wednesdays and Sundays to meet up and connect.  The service was led by any number of people who felt called to lead – they often spoke in tongue and at the end of each “sermon” gave readings, guiding people who were desperate for help and direction. 

Beware the Darkness

And then I encountered black magic. I’d been invited to a small prayer group and as I entered the room, I felt uncomfortable, uneasy – there was an energy in the room that had all my senses on guard. 

My friend noticed it, took my hand, cleared the energy around the chair I was to sit in, and warned me not to engage with certain people in the room as they practiced a dangerous form of “spirituality” known as black magic. She herself had had experience with black magic and warned that it destroys the soul and leads one on a destructive path that’s difficult to return from. 

I felt relieved when the meeting ended and I could breathe again.

While I was curious about my friend’s woo woo version of spirituality, I found myself off balance much of the time and a bit afraid of losing myself in what felt like a cult.  I didn’t want to become one of the congregation desperate for a reading in order to live my life.  I left the group to find something more stable, concrete and certain.

From Chaos to Stability

Marriage, children, a career in social work provided me with the stability I needed.  My husband and I went to the local church for awhile, inspired by the minister who made us think about our beliefs in God and challenged us to think deeply about our beliefs.  When he left the church, we left, uninspired by his replacement.

What I Know Now About the WISER Woman Within

Time few by as my children grew, had children of their own, and I retired and stepped into coaching women in midlife and beyond.  With more time and energy to explore, I decided to find a spiritual guide, someone to help me tap into my intuition and connect more deeply with Spirit.  Marie serendipitously came into my life and I worked with her for months as she helped me connect with my inner knowing. 

Life has a habit of coming full circle when we get to midlife I’ve noticed.  As I more easily began to connect with my intuition and realized my ability to channel through my hands, I thought back to that moment on stage all those years ago as a teen and realized that spirit has been with me the whole time. 

I wonder - had I known then what I know now and had there been the guidance to foster this ability to connect deeply within, allowing spirit and guides to support me, how might my life have been different?  Would my life have been different?

Thanks for reading!   

I’d love to hear your story of spiritual awakening – share below in the comments or reach out to me privately.

And, if you’re ready to reconnect with your intuition and inner world in midlife, explore how my Tap and Write circles can guide you back to the Wiser Woman within HERE.

To explore your inner world weekly, please join me in The W.I.S.E.R. Woman’s Guide where there are carefully crafted therapeutic/reflective writing prompts each week on themes and topics like this one. Join HERE