Feeling Safe Matters: Creating Space for Midlife Transformation

I’ve been coaching/counselling since my late twenties and now, as a woman in midlife, I continue to feel deeply grateful for every client who invites me into their lives.  

It’s truly a privilege to witness the unburdening - to watch subtle shifts and profound changes as we pull one thread after another, safely, carefully, inviting the client to weave a tapestry that reflects who they are and who they’re becoming, a masterpiece only they could create.  

Why Holding Space Matters

This idea of space, of “holding space” is what I think of as the foundation to potentially lasting change. Its importance was highlighted for me recently when a client shared this with me at the end of our session:   

“I didn’t know there could be a space where I felt safe enough to share my most private and vulnerable thoughts and feelings that I’ve never spoken about with anyone before.”

I’ve often been the first-person clients share their private and deeply held information with. In this sacred space between us, they’ve felt safe enough to speak their truth without fearing judgement or criticism. 

When clients are safe and comfortable enough to share their innermost thoughts and fears, to say out loud how they’re feeling, to explore deeply the issues and concerns they’ve pushed away sometimes for decades, they begin the process of learning to trust themselves.  They begin to believe they’re not broken, but instead can become confident, compassionate and self-directed.

Exploring the Parts That Protect Us

We often carry limiting beliefs formed in childhood into our adult years, beliefs which play a part in our worth and how we see ourselves.  These deeply held beliefs live in the parts of us that become expert saboteurs, master cons that keep us insecure, off balance and/or co-dependent.    

Getting rid of these parts seems impossible.  Pushing them away, ignoring them, fighting with them, only serves to strengthen their presence and tighten their grip.  We feel compelled to eat, gamble, numb ourselves or act out as if under a witch’s spell that takes over mind and body.  We’re left feeling ashamed, vulnerable, overwhelmed, unhappy, believing we’re a problem that can’t be fixed.  

But what if these parts aren’t “bad” but instead our inner protectors? 

What if they evolved to keep us safe and help us navigate circumstances our inner child didn’t know how to manage? 

From Survival to Thriving

Limiting beliefs like “I’m not ___ enough” often come to light in coaching sessions. As clients and I explore their parts and limiting beliefs, I’m never surprised that they originate in childhood or at a younger age in response to circumstances the client didn’t feel safe in or know how to navigate. Behaviours that were meant to soothe and support in the beginning, change and morph over time to become outdated, unmanageable, and no longer need-satisfying in adulthood. 

A client I worked with recently invited a troubling part of her to the table.  Together we explored this part and its underlying limiting beliefs.  For the first time in her life, she realized she wasn’t bad or broken. She was finally able to see that using unhelpful behaviours was her best attempt to keep herself safe and meet her needs.

Creating Safe Spaces

Safely and with great respect for our parts, we decided not to banish or punish this part – she’d punished herself enough.  Instead, we worked to:

• acknowledge and understand it,

• allow its presence to be seen fully,

• thank it for all the ways in which it’s tried to keep her safe, despite the problems it’s created in the long run.

And finally, we connected it to another part of her that’s wise, capable, and strong. 

When we allow the adult part of us to shine, to be seen, when it’s given permission to sit in the driver’s seat of our car rather than acting like a passenger who has little say in the direction we go in, we breath with ease; we’re relieved to finally know that we are not limited by outdated behaviours and untrue beliefs that were never ours to hold. 

@socmia

When clients drive their own cars, they’re able to ensure their passengers and parts are taken care of, nurtured, comfortable, and safe in the space provided for them. 

They get to decide which part of them becomes driver and passenger.  With practice they learn to nurture and care for themselves in ways they thought were not possible.

They learn to create “safe spaces” of their own where change not only becomes possible, but sustainable; where compassion, self-trust and clarity live; where intuition, spirit and love reside.

Feeling safe matters.

Thank you for reading. 

If you’re a woman in midlife who’s ready to unravel old beliefs and reconnect with your inner self in a compassionate, nonjudgmental safe space, I invite you to reach out or explore my Tap and Write method—a gentle, transformative blend of emotional freedom techniques and therapeutic/reflective writing or coaching 1:1.

Together, we can begin weaving your next chapter—thread by thread.

With love and gratitude,

Joan

PS. New Tap and Write Circle on June 20th at 2pm Pacific. Triggers as Teachers: Finding Wisdom Within. Wont’ you join me? Register on the Tap and Write page.

PPS. Join the W.I.S.E.R. Woman’s Guide for weekly therapeutic/reflective writing prompts on a variety of themes and topics related to midlife, aging, change and transition. Join HERE