Beyond Forgiveness: Finding Peace Through Understanding and Acceptance

For Mother’s Day

We’ve just finished writing about forgiveness in my writing class.  Here’s a revised version of what I wrote:

Now fully engaged in midlife, forgiveness is something that feels a little easier than it used to, although to be honest I am still resistant to the word.  I’ve grappled with this idea – of forgiving myself and others.  

It’s often felt a bit like letting someone off the hook, absolving them of responsibility for their actions, giving them a “get out of jail free” card. 

(Photo by Aedrian Salazar)

Shouldn’t there be some penalty, some punishment to go along with the “crime”?  I never let myself off the hook so why would I let someone else off the hook?  I made myself pay for my sins by ensuring the inaccurate belief “not good enough” was kept alive, buried deep within my mind and body for decades. 

Surely forgiveness is meant to be given by priests and God? 

Writing about forgiveness meant returning to the past and so before I could put pen to paper, I found myself thinking about my mom and the challenges I had with her – and her with me. 

There were many moments from the time I was about 14 years on that I haven’t forgotten. It was difficult to trust and feel safe with her once our lives were upended and she found herself lost, lonely and without a community. 

I won’t’ go into details but suffice to say, my life with mom was like walking on eggshells, fraught with the never-ending worry and fear that the version of her we dreaded would appear, fueled by alcohol and her own inner demons that she couldn’t quite resolve or deal with.  I/we bore the brunt of it all.

It was, to say the least, exhausting. 

And, as I look back on that young teen and the woman I was, who fiercely forged her own way through it all for decades until mom’s death in 2012, I’m reminded of the hurt and pain she endured, the anger and rage she stuffed down with food, the loss she felt at losing the caring, loving woman she’d known as a child.  

It was a lot - for a long time.

As I thought about forgiveness, the questions that emerged were “have I forgiven her or could I forgive her”?  “Do I need to forgive her?”   

Forgiveness = Understanding and Acceptance?

I think forgiveness is one of those things that requires a bit of preamble – an understanding and perhaps a degree of acceptance before being able to forgive.  And then I wonder if forgiveness is necessary when we’ve arrived at a deep acceptance and understanding of what happened.

As I’ve understood and accepted my relationship with mom, I don’t know that there’s anything to forgive – if I forgave her it would mean that I blamed her for what happened between us, and now I really just see her as a woman who was doing her best to survive, someone who couldn’t seem to navigate her way through to find herself fully. 

Although the attacks felt personal, I know they represented something bigger than just me. 

And, as I searched my soul, seeking to understand my part in it all, I recognize my need to find safety with the woman I’d hoped could be that person for me.

Those years were challenging as I grappled with my own identity and search for happiness and fulfillment, determined not to allow the pattern to continue, to ensure that my legacy was not even remotely like hers or the women who came before her. 

And so, I don’t believe there’s a need to forgive myself for my response and search for safety that over time I’ve been able to find within and with those who respect and honour who I am. 

A friend recently suggested that perhaps forgiveness and acceptance were one in the same - when we forgive, we’re really coming to terms with what’s happened and then releasing ourselves from the pain. 

I understand this but still feel some resistance to the word “forgiveness” and the association I feel between it and blame.

And then there’s compassion.

Is it also in the mix, a needed element that helps us resolve unsettled feelings within, allowing us to shift and move on?

I’ll continue to think about all of this as I feel it’s complex and perhaps depends on the situation, those involved, and what we intend for ourselves and others.

I’d love to know your thoughts about forgiveness.  Please feel free to share with me privately or leave a comment below.

And, I’ve thoughtfully created some writing prompts for you inside The W.I.S.E.R. Woman’s Guide where you can explore topics and issues like this one. Join us HERE

As always, thank you for reading!

Joan