The Secret Garden
She closed the car door quietly, steeling herself to focus on the next thing on her long list of “to-do’s. A sigh stopped her - it was one of those sighs that meant more than just needing to exhale.
Why couldn’t she just ignore the stirrings deep within her belly? Why couldn’t she just be satisfied with what she had now? After all, life was good. She had a great family, close friends, children on their way to living their own lives, a career she’d worked hard to build, nice things, opportunity.
“What”, she wondered, “is wrong with me?”
What kept her up at night was a longing she couldn’t identify. It had been with her for awhile, niggling at her in the back of her mind. It began innocently enough with a quiet whisper, the words “What am I doing with my life?”, forming on her lips as she opened her eyes on the morning of her 49th birthday.
Warm, salty tears began to roll down her cheeks as she sat so quietly, unable to put the keys in the ignition and drive away. What would people think if they saw her crying - about nothing! And yet, this “nothing” was something that was getting bigger and growing, taking on a life of its own. It filled her with anxiety, fear, sadness, a feeling of loss. There was an importance about it, even if it felt uncomfortable. It felt pivotal, key, dangerous, rebellious, and oh so necessary.
As these thoughts floated through her mind, she recognized old familiar feelings rising to the surface. Decades of never quite feeling “good enough”, believing that no matter what she did, it was never enough. It was always there, lurking behind the scenes, directing her life, forcing her to hide, preferring to sit unseen in the background.
She’d struggled from the time she could remember to feel worthy and confident.
She’d done her best to be “a good wife” and still loved her partner after all these years. But things were changing between them and she wondered what life would be like when it was just the two of them. She didn’t remember the last time she felt cherished, sexy, or had the energy to be fully present during intimate moments. It just felt easier to withdraw and retreat rather than share how she really felt.
Her body was changing as they do - again. She didn’t remember giving it permission - it was one more thing that was out of her control and left her stranded between endings and beginnings, wondering how to navigate through the chaos and confusion in her mind and body.
She raised her children in the best way she knew how, even when it was “by God and by Guess” most of the time. She loved them with all her being and told them every day how much. Part of her desperately wanted them to need her like they used to, and part of her dared to hope they’d soon be on their own. Being a mom had, at times, challenged her to the core, ripping her open, exposing all her vulnerabilities - it was exhausting. She wouldn’t miss the running to and fro between sports games, rushing to get supper on the table, navigating school meetings and always feeling a certain level of anxiety and worry about what could happen to them out there in the world where they were on their own.
Reflecting on all of this, she knew that the one thing she was good at was supporting her clients and customers. She listened patiently to their complaints and did what she could to solve their problems for them. There was some satisfaction from it and yet she rushed out the door each working day wondering what it would be like to feel excited to go to work and fulfilled when the work day ended.
Swallowing her feelings and eating mindlessly, putting band-aids on the wounds she’d carried since childhood was easy. She excelled at giving in to the needs of those more important than her - and everyone was more important than her. It was a lesson she learned early on - one she integrated into her soft, sensitive being. It was better to give than to receive, stay quiet, and never “rock the boat”, even when those bigger than she took advantage of her body and mind.
What could a girl do but learn to smile, laugh and become a master at putting others first?
What else could she have done but hide her truth and muffle her dreams?
What else would have worked this well, being the “good girl”, the dutiful wife/child/daughter?
She’d dared not think about who she might have been had things been different.
No, she’d always held her breathe, believing that at some point her true identity, who she really was, would unravel and all the messy, mush of feelings she’d carried around with her for decades would finally be revealed in devastating fashion. As she’d waited for it all to unravel over the years, she often saw herself standing on the outside of a secret garden.
My Secret Garden
The huge, wooden door, surrounded by a tall, thick wall covered in vines and bushes, seemed to draw her near. She was never able to grasp the handle and give it a pull. Instead, she was on the outside, afraid to take a step as if her feet were glued to ground. What was once a comfortable place to be no longer felt good or safe. She knew deep within that something had to change.
She was jolted back from her imagination to the day at hand, knowing she’d have to get a move on, but the image of the Secret Garden refused to leave her.
What would she find inside this unknown place if she could figure out a way to enter it?
What would it mean if she could find the courage to open that door?
What did she have to lose by daring to take a peek inside?
I sat across from her, ready to support her journey into a place she could no longer avoid and yet hesitated to explore. It was my job as her coach to guide, create and hold a safe space, so no matter what emotions or thoughts came up, she could acknowledge and allow them when ready. I asked her to place the image of her standing outside the Secret Garden door in front of her where she could become the observer and witness her journey.
And so we began.
The courage to take a step towards the big wooden door came from deep within her. She placed her hands on the handle and as if by magic, the door creaked open. She stood on the threshold, mesmerized by what she saw.
Friar’s Crag, Keswick, Cumbria, UK Photo by Katie Whyte
This was her safe haven - a place to peel back the vines and brambles to allow the sun to warm the earth, and allow growth to reveal itself. It was where she needed to be - to heal and transform and finally believe and “know” she is enough, no matter what. It’s where she could gently and safely tend to the little child within who needed her love and attention, who desperately wanted a safe place to lay her head and belong. It’s where all the hurts and wounds of the past could dissolve and no longer need band aids to cover them.
She imagined forgiveness and empathy stepping in to replace hate and judgement when remembering the past and the caregivers she felt betrayed by. Where her body could be safe with her and she safe with her body, allowing her to trust the one person who was always with her - herself.
It was here, amongst the trees, that her intuition and belief in spirit would thrive, rising from a grave she’d buried them in long ago. She knew that here they’d guide her to love and accept all that she is. She’d be able to trust that all the fear and anxiety she’d been carrying with her would transform into grounded energy. She imagined standing barefoot in the grass, feeling blessed by Mother Earth.
She was ready.
Ready to stop fighting her demons, to stop blaming others, stop relinquishing power to someone else or believing a story she’d told herself or been told, that when challenged, just wasn’t true.
She was ready, finally, to care for her garden in the way that only she could. She knew with time she’d love and be loved without losing herself in the process, without the old fear of being left behind or abandoned.
Boundaries, time, and making decisions about family, friends, & work would get easier to manage, and she’d finally see herself as equally important as everyone else, ready to love and care for herself as beautifully as she does others.
She could begin, finally, to accept that life is messy, never constant, and offers us challenges that when approached with flexibility that is grounded in self-love and self-care, is easier to manage and move through from a place of mindful neutrality.
There was more to do but I asked her to take a deep breath to anchor in all that she’d witnessed as she wandered through her Secret Garden.
A sigh stopped her for just for a moment - the kind of sigh that reminds us we are home.
Do you see yourself in this story? A woman beyond or mid-way through her life, wondering who she is, who she’s becoming. Caught in the in-between…. Transitioning….
Someone wondering if she, too, could open the door to her Secret Garden, to discover herself again mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
To transform anxiety into confidence; turn old, past, outdated core beliefs into ones that support her; to embed nourishing self-care habits; and step fully into her spiritual being.
To flourish in crone-hood, channeling inner wisdom, intuition, gliding through the 3rd phase of her life with ease, calm and joy.
Wouldn’t you love to create your Secret Garden in the only way you know how?
As a W.I.S.E.R. Woman and ever-transforming coach and crone, I’d love to be your guide as you transition and step into BEING the woman you want to be, owning your past, holding the power of love in your present, fully transforming as you step into your future.
I use a variety of tools in my practice - EFT/energy work, imagery, metaphor, NLP, grounding, as well as cognitive tools and more - all with respect, care and permission from you.
This story is like a tapestry of the client’s stories I’ve had the privilege to bear witness to - I thank them for trusting me to coach and support them.
I can be found here, on my website, joanridsdel.com, or by email at coach@joanridsdel.com.
Thanks for reading!
With gratitude,
Joan
