Parts of us do & parts of us don’t.
I came across this birdhouse tree on a walk not long ago and couldn’t help but take this photo. Each individual birdhouse makes up the whole birdhouse tree - each little house is decorated, unique, with it’s own style even though the shapes and sizes are the same, except for the top birdhouse which appears to be a bit larger, as if guiding or guarding the tree itself.
For those who know me and have read my posts about using metaphors (“Allow” is one of them), you’ll know that part of my training as an EFT, Heartstream Process Practitioner and Tap and Write facilitator, is to use metaphors as a way to reach parts of us that aren’t easily accessed just by thinking. As I looked at this birdhouse tree, I thought about it as a metaphor for all the parts of us that make up who we are. Each part plays an important role in our lives, and just as each of the birdhouses are an important part of the whole, giving it shape, balance and colour; so too do our inner parts play similar roles within us, some brighter, louder, more prominent than others.
“Parts work” as it’s called in coaching or therapy, is fascinating and powerful. Think back to a time you wanted something, could see it happening in your mind’s eye, could feel how good it would be and yet, no amount of wanting and feeling it got you to take the consistent action needed to achieve it.
A client I worked with awhile ago wanted to start running again - that part of her knew how good it felt to get up and get out the door in the morning. Her body felt healthier and her mind clearer when she did it - anxiety was lower, stress seemed easier to manage. And then, life happened and gradually she stopped her daily run, feeling too exhausted to get up in the morning and get her runners on. A daily battle began between the part of her that wanted to get up and run, and the part of her that had many excuses and reasons not to, all of which felt valid and real.
Our tendency when we have these battles raging within us is to keep them going.
We often don’t recognize these opposing parts as important - we only notice the negative impact of the fight and end up feeling like failures, not good enough, weak and even more exhausted.
Weight loss is another example of how one part of us wants to lose weight and yet another part sabotages our efforts by rebelling or eating emotionally. Again, we end up spending so much time and energy on the battlefield, losing the fight and feeling like failures.
In the work I’ve been doing around weight loss and in the coaching I’ve done with my clients, I recognize the importance of acknowledging and exploring the parts of us that “want to” and those parts that “don’t want to”. It’s a critical piece to being able to change our thinking and create a growth mindset, both of which are hard to do when we’re caught up in trying so hard to push that uncomfortable part of us away or bury it with food.
The parts of me that have created conflict and resulted in keeping me stuck or in revolving door patterns have often originated from my past when I was a child, youth or teen. I recognize them by the shame I feel, when I’m embroiled in “all-or-nothing” and perfectionist thinking, or when I feel anger and rage at myself that results in self-sabotage.
There are many ways to explore these parts of us and tools to use that can bring our parts together to work for us and not against us. And, I’ve never met a part that challenged me or those of my clients, that wasn’t all about safety, even if it seems contrary to what we’re feeling, thinking and wanting.
Once I learned this, I understood why change around weight loss, or running (or you fill in the blank), was so hard and why I now value and embrace those parts that are really just looking for a way to gain attention and safety.
My client is back to running and I’m on my way to weight loss, no longer fearing but instead embracing the parts that “don’t want to” ,while also strengthening those parts that “do”. It’s my job as an adult to care for all parts of me - I’m the bigger birdhouse at the top of the birdhouse tree, guiding, supporting, leading the way.
Without each of the bird houses, the birdhouse tree wouldn’t be complete or offer birds sanctuary and choice as to where they make their homes. And so it is with our parts, all of them contribute to who we are, offering us an opportunity to find safety and make good choices.
As I change and grow I recall a friend saying that if some of our parts are just like our younger selves (or inner child), we “can’t blame a kid for trying” to get our attention and keep us safe.
So, the next time you find yourself struggling, having the same conversation over and over again about why you can’t do something when you want to, consider exploring these opposing parts with curiosity - or find someone to help you.
There is so much wisdom to be explored and acknowledged within our parts - leading us to become more of the person we want to be, creating the safety we need to move forward with the things we want to do and experience in our one and only chance at life on this earth.
Brianna Weist in “The Pivot Year” writes:
What can appear on the surface as repeated failure is often your most life-giving internal navigation system leading you to the most important experience of your life.”
What parts of you could do with some attention and love? Which ones get in the way and create the most havoc? What’s the best that could happen if you explored those parts that challenge you and what’s the worst that could happen? Explore these questions in your journal - write until you have nothing more to say.
I’d love to hear how you get on as you explore these questions! You can connect with me HERE.
With gratitude,
Joan
PS. Won’t you join me for Tap and Write? See details of the next round of Tap and Write Circles HERE.
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