Embracing Self-Compassion
It’s hard to think about self-compassion without also acknowledging our inner critic. In a recent Tap and Write Circle, we began by writing about our inner critic, that part of us that has kept many of us feeling we’re not enough, unworthy, and stuck in outdated patterns of thought and beliefs.
We’ve struggled to be confident in ourselves and our abilities or worried that someone could discover we’re not who we seem to be. Ultimately, this critical voice has had power over us and rendered us unable to extend a kind, supportive voice to ourselves.
I could give you many examples of times I could have used a kind, compassionate voice instead of the one that would ring loudly in my ears, reminding me of all ways in which I wasn’t enough. Most of the negative messages I listened to I carried with me from childhood.
While our inner critic is challenging to listen to and rarely invites positive feelings, I suggest it is a part of us that has served a purpose having to do with safety. It seems counterintuitive, doesn’t it? Most often we just want this part of us to go away.
I shared with you my journey to weight loss in Consistent Action some time ago. I was two months into it and, as I look back at my writing, it seems I thought I’d figured it all out. Boy, was I wrong!
I’ve continued to go up and down the scale and up and down with feeling patient and positive with the process. Thank goodness for my coach who has challenged me when I’ve felt down about my progress compared to those I follow in the program.
My inner critic has roared into my brain many times during the six months since beginning the program. As I’ve worked hard to strengthen my self-compassionate voice, I realized I was coming to terms with decades of limiting beliefs that kept me on the diet rollercoaster, always setting me up for failure.
The belief that I lose weight very slowly is true, but instead of recognizing this fact and honoring it, I beat myself up for it and consistently felt like a failure.
As I began again to wonder why I should bother continuing on this journey recently when it takes me forever to lose weight, my inner critic jumped into the conversation going on in my head. I imagined a gargoyle-like creature rubbing his hands together, a sparkle in his eyes, standing ready to jump in with words that he doesn’t get to say as much anymore.
“You see!” I heard him say. “There’s no point in going through this again - you’ve failed before and you’ll fail again. I hate to see you go through it again and again. Face it, you just can’t do it! You should give up now before it’s too late.”
(Photo by Nadir sYzYgY)
This time, I stopped to listen and challenged my inner critic - it’s true that I lose weight slowly and true that I’ve failed in the past to lose weight and keep it off. It’s also true that I’ve quit each time I felt discouraged.
Self-compassion ringing in my ears, I thanked my inner critic for bringing this to my attention and to help remind me that each journey has been filled with discomfort, shame, loss, and defeat. I told him that I appreciated his concern for my safety and not wanting me to go through it again.
My self-compassionate voice chimed in to ask “What if I’m losing weight at exactly the right speed for my body?”
In that instant, I felt a shift from frustration to acceptance. For the first time, my head and body were congruent and I made the decision to accept and honour this pace with all its ups and downs.
The self-compassionate part of me helped me understand that this journey is bigger than being a smaller number on the scale - it’s about learning to take care of myself each day and being able to manage the ups and downs without judgement and criticism.
And so my journey continues!
To help me continue strengthening the self-compassionate part of me while embracing my inner critic, I wrote this reminder and prompt for the second part of Tap and Write to Embrace Self-compassion:
I’m a Self-Compassionate Woman
I’m a self-compassionate woman who no longer accepts the inner critic’s words and false truths as gospel. I now challenge this part of me, unwilling to be my own worst enemy, and held captive by harsh words, limiting beliefs and blaming myself – for everything.
No, I’m the self-compassionate woman who chooses to engage her inner critic, listening for deeper meaning and wisdom before letting words that no longer serve me melt away – I choose the path to confidence and growth instead.
Mistakes and wobbles are part of life, and I now respond to them with kindness and a thoughtfulness that allows for change when required or wanted.
Feel free to use this reminder if you find it useful the next time your inner critic emerges. Repeat after me: I Am a Self-Compassionate Woman!
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Joan
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