How to Put Yourself First in Midlife Without Feeling Guilty
Nourishment
For so many of us in midlife, we’ve spent decades looking after others - caregiving has been a way of life. Our energy has been focused on raising children, supporting partners, friends, caring for aging parents, tending everyone else’s needs before our own.
I’ve not regretted the caregiving I’ve given to others, but as I entered into midlife, I found myself asking “What would I be doing if I put myself first?” And, I’m not alone.
So many of the women I coach and who Tap and Write with me, echo this question. It’s fraught with guilt and the fear of letting others down, of being thought of as selfish. It can stir discomfort in others when we begin to set clear boundaries, when we speak up and let those around us know what we think and what we need.
Putting ourselves first can feel confusing to us as well in the beginning - it’s a change in the way we think and how we organize our lives. It means challenging our automatic responses when we’re asked to help; it means adjusting our own expectations of who we’ve been and getting used to who we’re becoming.
Putting ourselves first doesn’t mean neglecting others. Relationships require time, attention, care, even when they’re dissolving or going through changes and transitions.
What it does mean is remembering that we matter - the relationship we have with ourselves requires time and energy, our voices need to be heard, and our joy, rest, dreams and goals are important.
But here’s the thing: no one can do it for us. It’s up to us to recalibrate and rebalance how we tend to our own needs and then those of others.
How do we go about putting ourselves first? Start small with manageable steps and the following questions:
What do I need today - emotionally, physically, creatively, spiritually?
What’s one thing I can do to care for myself today?
What would change if I believed my needs were as important as others?
And, finally, “What would I be doing if I put myself first?”
I began this process when I made the decision to take my health seriously and work with a weight loss and health coach, when I started asking myself what I wanted in response to an invitation from children, grandchildren and others, when I decided I could speak up and voice my opinions, when I made the decision to create space for me to explore who I am becoming as a woman, now and into my third and final act.
I’d love to know what steps you are taking to put yourself first. You are important!
Thanks for reading,
Joan
If this reflection speaks to you, I invite you to subscribe to The WISER Woman’s Guide — my free newsletter filled with mindful reflections and journaling prompts to help you reconnect with your wisdom, intuition, and self-compassion.
Or join me for a Tap and Write session, where we blend Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) with guided writing to gently release old patterns and make space for the woman you’re becoming.