Friends and Foes: How Relationships Shape Us in Midlife
An intimate reflection on how friends and foes across all seasons continue to teach us who we are. From childhood to midlife and beyond, they guide our growth and shape the woman we become.
I believe that some people come into your life at just the right moment and stay for just the right number of seasons. Others may disappear as quickly as they’ve arrived. Some emerge onto the scene later, lingering on the sidelines before either dissolving into the background, remaining on the edges, or gliding onto the main stage of your life for the duration.
Only now, in this later season of my life, I see that every friend and foe I share with you was shaping me into the woman I have become. Each relationship- good or bad, short or long in duration - was important for my growth, learning, and navigating my identity; for creating and practicing much needed boundaries; for fun. Each one taught me a bit about love, connection, honesty, compassion, shame, betrayal and heartache.
Friends in the Early Years
The tomato I tasted for the first time because my friend’s mom insisted I couldn’t say I didn’t like it without tasting it first. It was from her garden, picked with care just for me to bite into and experience a juicy deep red fresh garden tomato. How could I say no? It was a leap of faith.
A short-lived crush on a boy in my class that faded into sadness – and fear as I listened to his story of violence at home and his dad’s uncontrolled rages, and him thinking it was ok to punch me in the arm. I didn’t know the word for what I was feeling in Grade 1 but looking back manipulation might have been it. He was a masterclass in teaching me about power and control.
The popular girl who pretended to be my friend – with the unspoken condition that I didn’t outshine her at dance (which I didn’t) and I stayed chubbier than her (which I did). She taught me about the power of comparison as a way to diminish one’s light and about the perils of trying to belong to people who aren’t your people.
One of two sisters was a musical rival, vying for the top spot in festivals and exams – she was better technically while I was naturally musical. We put the musical stage behind us to share hours playing dolls and horses, swapping doll clothes, making up stories of love and jealousy as Ken favoured her Barbie one day and my Francie the next. Competition and collaboration can co-exist – we made it work.
The friend next door who loved having a sleep over at our house and often invited herself for dinner. We bonded on not being the “popular” kids – she with thick lensed glasses and me a chubby body. We found comfort in our discomfort.
Friends in my Teens and Young Adulthood
Endless coffees with my two besties at the local restaurant after chasing boys up and down the main drag, cars borrowed from parents, windows rolled down in the cold of winter hoping the smoke from our cigarettes didn’t linger in the upholstery or air – it was a secret we smoked. We gathered every penny we could find to replace the gas we guzzled driving around and around for hours. We were the three must-get-there’s (named by my parents), rebels without a real cause, kindred spirits longing for love and looking for it in all the wrong places.
Late night phone calls when hearts were broken and tears flowed freely after a breakup or argument with parents. We held each other’s hearts with care, a deep understanding of “there by the grace of God go I”.
Three of us dancing at the Old Gold, somehow getting by the bouncer at the door without being asked to show ID. Rebellion at its finest as we drank rum and diet pepsi, practiced flirting and pretended we were older – you don’t know how far you can go until you try and we had nothing to lose.
A visit and subsequent move to the UK after high school where, for the first time, I felt seen and loved by a young man who wrote me poetry. I ran away from him, afraid of the intensity, fearful of commitment. I couldn’t risk losing myself in him when I didn’t know who I was.
A short-lived fleeting crush during a summer. A devastating betrayal by boss who was kind and generous until she became mean and disrespectful, determined to destroy my worth and confidence – I was not the only one; it was just my turn. I learned that worth isn’t determined by someone else even when it felt like it could be and despite my lack of confidence.
Adulthood
Two women at university who would become my friends for life. They would teach me about unconditional friendship and the value of humour when life feels bleak and desolate, and how to face demons that rise to challenge our identity and seek to limit us.
My neighbor who raised girls as I raised boys. Coffees and chats in the backyard where we took our fences down and created a safe, caring place for the kids to bounce together on the trampoline. She is to this day a trusted friend who taught me about the value of community and raising children together.
Midlife
The woman I’ve known for decades who no longer lives in her body and who’s mind is unrecognizable. I am unknown to her now – a cruel and fast deterioration that was a loss for both of us. “There by the Grace of God go I”.
Someone I worked with many moons ago resurfaced recently – she was and is now a bright light in my life. We’ve been swapping coaching sessions and connecting monthly, sharing insights and stories, hopes and dreams, and what it’s like to be in this season. I hope she’ll be a friend for life, a woman for all the seasons remaining.
And finally, there is my family.
My partner of 41 years and counting – the man who marches to his own drummer - remains my constant. Whether by accident or design, he’s pushed me to become a stronger version of me, not lost in love, but a partner to walk the path with.
My adult children continue to hold up a mirror, teaching me to hold separation and connection together. I will always be their mother, but we now meet as adults — each with our own lives and unfolding identities, each responsible for tending to what is unfinished within us.
And so, as it is and has been with each person who’s moved through my life – friend or foe – each has left a mark, nudged me toward growth, or offered insight into who I was, who I am and who I am becoming. With each season I recognize more of myself, guided in part, by the echoes of those who’ve walked beside me, challenged me, and held space for me along the way.
******************
Upon Reflection:
Which friends or foes across your life have shaped who you are today, and what are they still teaching you about yourself?
Thanks for reading,
Joan
I invite you to continue the journey in my Tap and Write sessions, where guided journaling and gentle reflection help explore life, growth, and identity.
You can also join my newsletter, The WISER Woman’s Guide, for monthly prompts, tips, and inspiration to write your way to clarity, self-compassion, and meaningful change. Explore your own seasons of friends and foes and discover how they continue to shape the woman you are becoming.
